Dr. Gordon Neufeld
35 years studying attachment
Father of 5
Why do parent’s get stuck on behavior?
Based on culture, a blindness
Resort to superficial black and white of acceptableness
Blurred lines between punishment and discipline
Cynical views of children, hell bound, reign them in with punishment
Religion points to kids being born into sin
But some focus on grace
Humans, not like plants, move to fulfill their own potential
Neuroscience and Develomentalism support this.
Misconception: Punishment Works
How do you define it working?
Fear? Crippled Developmentally
Reassurance it isn’t too late after punishment
Dev. Approach realizes the potential of the person
-they will grow into themselves
-relationships are forever
-never too late, even as young adults people can develop strong attachments
Those raised on the “Naughty Mat”
-wired brains on ultimatums
How does rewiring take place?
Where is the belief in the child has the ability and desire to be “good”?Believing in it will fulfill it to become true
Trust in human nature
Can happen years and years after.
Child are forgiving because they desire that connection
By the second or third stage of attachment (belonging) tricks (timeouts, consequences) won’t be needed
“If dad doesn’t believe in me why even try?”
Pervasive intolerance with the messiness of growing up
They are children
Why are we here?
They are dependents for nearly 20 years.
Messy and dependent
By the time they are 3 we are concerned with pushing towards dependence
Misperceptions of parents – what is the fear?
Over responsibility – all up to us to teach their lessons, or it will never happen, perception that kids need to be in a line at all times, where is the childhood? Spontaneity? If it is OK leave it alone? We are gardeners not sculptors. Part of the miracle of growth.
We take control and give up reigns – Give up power
We think our power is in the role, Power is in the relationship
Chemicals in the brain during attachment, pursuit of proximity – leads to parent gaining power to influence
They chose love, not love inherent in the role
Our power doesn’t come from our role – comes from having the hearts of our children. And that is all we need to raise them.
Use a consequence shows you like this more than me. Insults relationship. Reveals powerlessness - Piggy back on attachment to things.
Clichés
“In the real world he needs…”
Real world is full of consequences. Teach a lesson with a consequence.
The real world is under our roof.
A child hits, impose consequence
What this means is:
A child’s frustration is given more frustration
Emotion is the biggest player
Consequences always create more frustration – throw gas on the fire
Who’s resistance? Parents or child’s? Blindness to assumption that children learn logically
Cause and effect
In actual fact, this is the exception. Learning isn’t logical, it is emotional
To adapt they need to feel sad about wasn’t/isn’t working. It is the emotion not the consequence. Help move mad to sad or learning won’t occur.
If you used it and kid loses their tears, it doesn’t work. It will further harden them up and not cause learning.
Consequences look at things that matter to a child and use them against them.
Undermines relationship
Invoke being close to something sets you up for defensive attachment
“I don’t care” “Doesn’t matter” “Whatever”
Missing opportunity to develop a conscious
Trying to develop children that focus inwardly instead of outwardly
Reinforces children’s value system and not your values
Money for grades – what is most important? Money or having a child that yearns to learn.
No proper guiding system in these children
Rewards for caring acts, decreases desire to do caring acts
A management model not a growth model – exhausting for parents
What is the primary goal? Fit into society? Reaching their full potential?To fit in – doesn’t feel love
Child must not work for love and is forever insecure
It takes faith in the goodness of nature, something is unfolding, and it is an issue of trust.
Counter-will – Disobedience
Instinct to resist being controlled – completely natural, they need to protect, born difficult by default, need receptive attachment and then can take direction
Young children have no multi-tasking ability
2 yr old attaches and follows mom, but when dad is around then he is so in love with dad
Children were designed for having very little separation for first 6 years of life
When a child is in the fullest himself? Pregnant with himself. Isn’t defiance. Completely natural. “No. Me do it.” Nobody likes to be pushed around.
Triggers – lying, sneaking, not listening
Lying – children by nature try to not be in trouble. Telling truth means seeing things from other perspectives
Sneaking – needs deeper attachment, 6th stage of attachment, happens much later, when they can trust and share all that is in their heart, has to be very attached, rarely happens due to time apart (timeouts), and disallows attachment
Avoid Manipulation to create behavior we like but is unnatural for our children
We must grow up. Children aren’t for parents, parents are for children. It is about them. Why we can’t be grandparents first. Try to be the parent they need. To withhold which is most important to him isn’t the message you want to give to be more convenient for you.
How do parents learn to trust themselves?
Listen to your instincts. How can you do that if you’ve never been allowed?
Life is more like a maze, parenting is like that
You yearn to be the parent your child needs, give security, and love unconditionally
We trip all over them with our insecurities
Both parents and children are transformed. Kids help us grow up. We become the parent our kids need. Nurture instead of rupture attachment.
Believe that your child wants to behave. Baby needs close proximity. Toddler imitates you. Then the child wants to follow your direction. Move towards nurturing and the child gives you their heart.
Intentions are what matter.
All correction/discipline should happen within the context of connection. Relationship is sacred and must be preserved. Then we can point out mistakes naturally.
Believe the child wants to be good. Helps a parent remain centered in goals of parenting. Impose order on their mind, not their behavior. Solicit a good behavior/intention before misbehavior. What comes before the behavior?
Children need structure. Society is free wheeling. Work with intentions of a child, this imposes order, and bears fruit.
How does a parent make this change?
Believe in the child’s desire
1. Don’t try to make headway in the incident. This is symptoms of the problem. Address the incident when the feelings aren’t high.
2. What do you do when a child misbehaves? Throw infraction flag, then bridge behavior with reassurance (bridges such as goodnight, goodbye focus on the other side) “I’m still your dad.” Relationship is bigger than the problem. Focus on the return. If this isn’t done, “Mommy doesn’t like me when…” The rest will sort it out. Convey that nothing can separate you from my love. Un-severable Connection.
Our job is to hold on, it is up to the child to decide when they want to let go.
Melting defenses.
Melting is done with warmth. Warmth comes from the parent that sees the need of the child below the defenses. Don’t take it personally. Make the child feel safe. See beyond the defenses. If we take lying personally, our result will harden the defenses. Feel mercy and empathy – feel their vulnerability. Make sense of them from the inside out – see us as the answer of connection. We were designed for this! Parents are the answer. Believe in yourself.
Create your own tribe of those with your same values. Support and affirmation.
Every mother needs a supporting village.
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